– My testimony......2013
In Reply To
As I was finishing up my devotional the other day, Beth Moore had included the definition of “Understanding.” I thought it was very appropriate to included because if you think about it, that’s what this whole testimony, I’m sharing, is about.
“The comprehending activity of the mind entails the assembling of individual facts into an organized whole, as collecting the pieces of a puzzle and putting them together. The mind grasps concepts and sees the proper relationship between them.”
“November 8th, 2008 around 11:00 pm Saturday night, June 22nd 2012 around 5:15pm Friday afternoon, January 25th 2013 around 8:30 am Friday morning.”
When I was first asked by Matthew to speak to youth while he was away on his Russian Mission trip, I was excited and honored. Then as I started to think about what was asked of me panic set in. I might like to talk alot and there are times when my family and friends would like me to hush but the thought of getting in front of a group of people is not me. As days past and I saw on the calendar that Cherlyn had one week and Don had the next I was a little disappointed but felt the pressure off. Then I get an updated calendar appointment: February 27th -- all-day Chancie speaking. I laughed at the wording - all-day Chancie speaking. Then my precious husband made a comment in the calendar--U got the "all day" part right!!!! JM.
As I was getting prepared to speak to you, I was in my "Jesus the One and Only" devotional by Beth Moore. I wasn't as heavy in it as I should have been but never the less, I was working on it. I think that was about the time the devil wanted to work on my mind as well. I found myself, one Wednesday night after dropping the kids off at the church, sitting in my car crying and calling out to God to please just take me and tell me what you want me to do because I just can't figure it out! After a minute or two, I gathered myself together, got out of the car and went inside to my bedroom. I picked up my "Jesus, the One and Only."
The section that I had left off with a few weeks back was titled "His True Brothers and Sisters." Luke 8:1-15 "The Parable of the Sower."
What made this stand out to me was part of Vs 8 which reads: "When he said this, he called out, 'He who has ears to hear, let him hear.'
A few months back, I started adding in my prayers, "God, give me the ears to hear you, the eyes to see you and the heart to feel you." My blood was pumping at this moment. I read on.
Vs. 9 : 'His disciples asked him what this parable meant. 10: He said," The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that, " ' though seeing, they may not see; though hearing, they may not understand.'
All I could think was, I understand! So, I kept on reading thru to Luke 8: 11-15. But first, let me back up to the beginning of Luke 8 so you can get a better picture and understanding of Luke 8: 11-15. Please turn with me to Luke 8. Let’s read Luke 8:1-15 together.
(Read out of the Bible)
Now, what I would like for you to think about is this: "Which seed are you ? And, which seed do you want to be?"
If you are anything like me, I shrunk down in my chair after verse 14. I was currently that seed that fell among the thorns. I want so much to be the seed that stands in good soil. I hear the words, I understand and retain it but I wasn't really letting my light shine from within.
I want to share a side note out of my Bible. It goes like this:
Attending to God's voice requires effort. We're so unaccustomed to listening that we often let God's message go unnoticed. Or we hear God speaking to us, but we don't let the words take root in our inner being.
Next, I want to take you to another chapter in Luke. It's Luke 15: 11-31. "The Parable of the Lost Son."
Would you please turn to Luke 15:11 and let us read it together. As we are reading this, I'd like for you to create an "inner video" in your minds’ of a father, two sons: one that asks for half his inheritance, leaves home, waste his money and eventually comes back home moneyless and another one that stays with his father and helps take care of his father's wealth and gets a bit jealous of his father's reaction to his younger brother homecoming.
Give them time to get there.
(Read Luke 15: 11-31)
How many of us can relate to the older son? If we are being honest with ourselves, we more than likely can. I know I can. And, when I first started thinking about what I wanted to share with ya'll, I thought that I could not relate to the "Lost son" until the past month, January 25th of this year. My puzzle pieces started to fit together. I thought about having each one of you do a downward spiral on each point you could relate to in your own life with the "lost son" life. Whether it be drug, alcohol, sex, lying or bad situations you got into that only got worse. I never did drugs, alcohol or went to a high school or even a college party. I never really hung out with other teenagers my age and I thought maybe if I got some insight from things Hunter and Heidi were going through as teenagers, I could make it interesting and easy for each of you to relate to. But I just wasn't feeling the right kind of connection I needed. It had to hit a personal spot inside of me to make it real. And, I didn't realize how much until this past January. This is my downward spiral and you will notice that it didn't involve anything I mentioned above and it took a few years for me to rise back to the top with the Lord right by my side as he had always been.
I use to be the person who would pray about others and tell God to help other people because they needed him more than I did. My life was going good. I had a great job, a husband, my precious children and family all around me. I couldn't ask for more. Then on November 8th 2008 around 11:00pm that Saturday night, Ella was diagnosis with meningitis. She was 5 months old. I use to think this was my testimony how God's loving hands healed my sick little baby girl but it's only part of my testimony.
I can still hear the jingling of the keys in the doctor's pockets and him asking the nurses' station: "Where are the parents?" They had just taken Ella back to do a spinal tap to see if they could figure out what was going on in her tiny little body. Jon and I were in the hospital room waiting to get our precious sick baby girl back. I looked over at Jon and said "I think he's talking about us." Sure enough he came running into the hospital room and the nurse was shortly behind him with our baby girl. I held my sick baby as tight as I could, foolishly thinking that nothing could take my baby from me. Nothing! Not illness, not death. As long as I held tight to my baby girl, she was safe. After all, I'm her momma. I'm her protector. I’m ashamed to say now, God was nowhere in my mind at this time. Thank goodness he was at her side. The doctor went on explaining what we had in store for us: from us losing her in the next 12 hours to the best case, Ella would be deaf. I remember speaking up," I'm not worried about her being deaf." Like I got to choose which path my baby would go down. Jon and I stayed by her side for the next 12 hours waiting for the storm to start. It never started. Ella was a sick baby. So sick! She got stuck with needle after needle trying to get fluids in her earlier that day without a tear. She was gray, cold to the touch. She was lifeless. And, I didn't realize at that time, so was I. I was lifeless without Christ in my life. Ella is my miracle baby. She has no last effects from the illness that we could see. I, too had no lasting effects from enduring her illness, or so I thought until I started running into different people who had a baby who died from it, to other children that had it, survived but are still battling problems from it. Then I heard news about a set of twins, 6 months of age, a boy and a girl. Ella & Emma age when Ella went through it. Both were deathly ill and it wasn't until after the baby girl died that the doctor figured out they had meningitis. They were able to save the boy but his sister had to die in order for them to figure out what it was. Sounds similar to our own Savior. Jon and I both cried because we finally realized what we had faced with our own baby girl's illness and how our future could have been so different. Looking back at it, God was right by Ella's side but he was carrying both Jon and I. As days turned into weeks, I started to slip into a state of confusion. You see, I use to be so certain of the future because remember, I didn't need God to waste his time with me, others needed him more than I did. I could take care of myself. In fact, I'd help God by not asking for anything and let others get his help. I was independent. As a another year had past, I had my normal yearly doctor appointment. I was 35 and my doctor ordered a mammogram because that's what she did to all her patients at 35. I didn't think anything of it. I was slowly starting to feel better. I still prayed my same prayer. "God please help those in need because I'm little miss independent and I can handle it all by myself!" And, handle it I did! It was the week of Thanksgiving when I got the report back on my mammogram. The results read, "Abnormal tissue found. Please, call to schedule a follow up." My heart started beating out of control, I could barely breathe, and my life as I knew it was over. I would not be around to see my children grow up. I was on death's door. I quickly called and told the lady that I did not mind if I had to come in as soon as they open and stayed until they closed, I had to know if I was dying of cancer before Thanksgiving. I got in the next day. I had my Bible and Beth Moore devotional in hand "A Woman's Heart" God's Dwelling Place. It was about Moses, him leading the people out of Egypt and the building of the temple. I knew but I didn't know that God was the answer, if you can understand that. I think it's called that little light inside us that is suppose to shine bright but mine was flickering. Kind of like a lighting bug that would blink but not stay lit. I had another mammogram done and I would not leave until the radiologist read the result to me. I had to hear it from him. I was better. I got a little knowledge and good feelings from the doctor and the same from the bible study and God. A couple of weeks later, I get a letter about my second set of results. Although it does state that results are normal, it says that I have to come back in 6 months for follow up. My insecurity set in and within 3 to 4 months, I woke up in darkness. After Ella's illness, Jon and I pulled them out of everything that they could have a chance to get sick. We stopped going to church as much. If something had to be done outside the house, either Jon or I would do it or get it. We hired a nanny to watch after them. If Ella got sick, I panicked. You see, I blamed myself for Ella's illness. I feared that the next time, she'd surely die because I was not competent as her mother to catch it the next time. I didn't know my own baby was that sick. If it weren't for me asking my parents to stop by before they went out of town to see if my mom could tell me what she thought of Ella's fever, Ella would not be here today. You see I didn't know my own baby. I thought I did, but I didn't. I was just like that seed that was planted in the thorn bushes. I let everything from worries, riches and pleasures distract me from knowing my own baby. I almost lost her. And, it was my own fault! I didn't know my Savior either. I was now in darkness.
The one positive in being in darkness is there is only one way out, looking up towards the light.
The following days, I found many times where I was scared to breathe, scared to be alone, scared to make a decision, scared to live. I found the only place that I felt safe was at church. I felt God there. It was his "Dwelling place." I found that I craved to hear his words. His words became a medicine to my soul. It felt so good to hear stories out of the Bible and just to share what new thing I learned from the Bible was an instant high! Then, I remembered what my mother in love (Jon's mom) told me a long time ago, "The devil will come after you as soon as you start doing good for God's Kingdom." It made sense to me now. And, still does. I still suffered from a sense of bondage from my past, especially the guilt of almost losing Ella.
On June 22nd 2012, Hunter fell ill. All that week had been youth camp. He was fine up until Thursday night and he wanted to leave camp early that night because he just wasn't feeling right. We dropped him off at home to take a shower while we took a close friend's son home. He called me three or four times complaining of the pain. It had only taken us twenty to twenty-five minutes round trip. When we got home, I gave him some water and felt his head. I would have taken him that night but he started to feel a little better. The next day was when the youth were going to the water park. I couldn't get Hunter up. He just didn't think he could do it. So, we took Braydon and went on to work. Since, he still wasn't any better and we were leaving for Disney the next day, I made an appointment with the "in Quicker." Within minutes, I got a call from the nurse and was told to take him straight to the medical center emergency room. They would be waiting for him. After a few hours and the lead surgeon telling me that I was exposing my son to unnecessary radiation because he was fine, he was diagnosed with appendicitis. He had emergency surgery that night. Needless to say, we now blame Hunter for not getting to go to Disney!!
Travis spoke to the youth on January 23rd. He explained how he used to feel that his past held him back from experiencing true freedom with God. I could relate to that as most of us can. The next day, I had my yearly Doctors appointment that ever since that scare, I feel anxiety just going to the doctor. The next day, I was listening to K-Love after dropping the kids off at school. The radio host was talking about a skiing trip her, her husband and another couple went on. The host, her husband and the other man were excellent skiers however the man's wife wasn't. Once she got to the top of the mountain, she looked down the huge hill and started panicking to the point she was fearful for her life. The radio host took her by the arm and told her that both she and the lady's husband were going to be on each side of her all the way down. They were not going straight down the mountain. They were going from side to side until they reached the bottom. Once they reached the bottom of the mountain, the lady looked up the mountain and was amazed at what she just accomplished. She thank the host for teaching her how to ski. The host replied, " I didn't teach you how to ski. I taught you how to think when coming down the mountain."
All of a sudden I felt this huge surge of relief. From what Travis said, to the stress of going to the doctor to the hidden bondage that I had been under from Ella's illness, my fears of dying, Hunter's illness to me realizing what was actually going on as I was spiraling down to darkness. It's like "The Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy's house was coming down from the tornado and all of a sudden she hit rock bottom and silence. Then, you hear her say, "Oh!"
At that moment, I was at the bottom of that snowy mountain looking up at what I had just accomplished and God right was next to me. Through all the pain and suffering, God was teaching me to think and lean on him.
As revelations hit me the past few weeks, I feel like I've grown personally and in my walk with Jesus. Parenting is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. Ask any parent and I trust they'd agree with me on this one. You take the best parts of me and my husband, and that's what I see when I look at my own children. They are absolutely without a doubt the best creations that both Jon and I had a hand in creating. Satan knew that! When I could not save my own baby from near death, Satan took a jab at me. At my heart. He reminded me of that weakness by placing fear, doubt and guilt in my mind.
As I was doing my devotional one day, I came across this that Beth Moore had stated: "How gracious is our God to create us with a spirit that somehow knows life must be more. That the "knowing" was meant to compel a search for God who promises to make Himself "findable."
The day my oldest fell ill, I knew it! The surgeon might have had the book knowledge but I had this internal knowledge. The knowledge of a momma that knew her son. The knowledge that God gave me when I laid eyes on each and every one of my precious children. Am I going to slip up and fall? Yes, I am. But, that light, that shines so bright from within, the light God implants in each one of us will show us the way. And, if we are too hard headed to see it, He'll send an angel to lead us the right way. God sent me my mom the day Ella fell ill. God lead me to a place of comfort when I was in a dark place, this church. God sent me those two nurses that talked me out of taking Hunter home that night. God sent me Travis to tell me what I needed to hear to start the process of letting go of my past that had a huge hold on my freedom from bondage. God sent this hard headed female, the realization that he was sending these people to help me because I thought I didn't need him, when in fact the only person that I really needed was him!
2 Corinthians 8:9 tells us: "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich."
Simply put: He loves us. We are all a part of God, a part of our Savior.
Thank-you so much for letting me share a bit of what God has done for me.
November 8th, 2008 @ 11:00 pm; June 22nd 2012 @ 5:15 pm & January 25th 2013 8:10 am